Dear Jane,

A few years ago I uncovered a shocking secret about my parents’ marriage and it has completely destroyed my thoughts about their relationship, as well as my views on love in general. 

For most of my life, I’ve thought that my mom and dad had a pretty good marriage. They didn’t really argue, they made each other laugh, and, while they weren’t the most lovey dovey with one another, they always seemed happy together.

Then, just over three years ago, I saw some texts on my dad’s phone from a woman called Julia. Turns out, Julia and my dad had been sleeping together. It was all there in the messages – times that they’d meet up, locations of hotels where they’d go and carry out their affairs… it was enough to make me want to puke.

I was so upset and horrified, and my immediate thought was how in the hell I was going to tell my mom what I’d found. 

But when I sat her down to reveal what I thought was going to be shocking and devastating information, she didn’t look surprised at all.

Dear Jane, I found out that my mother has been allowing my father to sleep with other women for years - and it's completely destroyed my relationship with them both

Dear Jane, I found out that my mother has been allowing my father to sleep with other women for years – and it’s completely destroyed my relationship with them both

Then it all came out – how she’s known about these other women for years, it’s something that has been a part of her marriage to my dad pretty much since the beginning of their relationship, and how, while I might not understand it, it just ‘works for them’.

According to my mom, my dad has a very ‘healthy sexual appetite’ that she simply wasn’t able to deal with – so they made the decision early on that my dad would conduct these affairs, with my mom’s approval, because it seemed to them like the best way for everyone to get what they wanted within the marriage. 

She insisted that she’s very happy with my dad and that his infidelity isn’t really cheating because she knows about it and is happy for him to continue.

I’m not trying to be judgmental or prudish but I just can’t get over the fact that their marriage is basically based on a lie. I think I would have found it easier if they’d just got divorced. 

I haven’t been able to look my dad in the eye since I found out. I am disgusted by him and I’m so disappointed in my mom for allowing his behavior. 

I never thought of her as a doormat before but now all I see when I look at her is a weak woman who is letting her life be controlled by a pig-headed guy.

What am I supposed to do now?

From,

Disillusioned Daughter

Dear Disillusioned Daughter,

I know just how shocking and upsetting it must have been to find that information on your father’s phone, and while I might not have advised going straight to your mother to reveal all, the outcome was arguably what no-one would have expected.

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers' most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column

Least of all you. 

And yet, your mother not only knew, but was remarkably circumspect. Every marriage is different, and every married couple find their own way at dealing with the many, many challenges and difficulties that inevitably arise within a long-term relationship. 

Not for a second do I think your parents’ marriage is based on a lie – in fact, it is based on mutual respect and honesty. While their choice would not work for you, nor for many people, the fact is it has worked for them. 

Granting your father the right to have an open marriage has enabled them to stay together in a happy, laughter-filled relationship; it has granted both of them the ability to raise you in a stable, peaceful environment.

Your mother isn’t weak. To the contrary, she strikes me as being incredibly strong. Nor is your father a pig-headed guy.

It’s important for you to recognize that men are far better than women at compartmentalizing their lives, and, often have far greater libidos, particularly as women age and start to go through the menopause. 

I have known many men who adore their wives and children, who say they would do nothing to hurt them, while conducting secret affairs which they believe are only satisfying a physical urge. Their wives do not know, and would be devastated. Those are the kinds of lies that destroy a marriage. Which is not what your parents are doing.

Perhaps a way forward for you is to sit down with your parents and ask them questions. Develop a deeper understanding of why they made this choice, and how your life would have been different had they gone down a different road. Try and listen to understand rather than to judge. 

I hope you find your own peace with this, and recognition of what a gift your parents have to be able to communicate with each other so openly and honestly.

Dear Jane,

I’m 65 years old and throughout my entire life my older sister – who is 68 – has gone through these phases where she just lashes out at me over nothing.

There have been several instances where it’s been really bad, including one where we didn’t speak for over a year, but I’ve always forgiven her, despite the fact that she’s never apologized for anything.

The last time one of these instances occurred was while we were vacationing at her beach house. She started screaming at me as soon as I walked into the cottage, saying my feet were muddy and sandy, which was not true. 

The next morning, she quietly asked me to leave. So I did. And honestly I was happy about it because I was struggling with feeling like I constantly had to walk on egg shells around her.

Sometime later, she texted me to ask if I was mad at her. I chose not to reply. So she kept texting – and eventually she accused me of gaslighting her because I wasn’t responding.

Maybe I was, or maybe I just couldn’t stand the thought of engaging with her when she had been so horrible to me. Either way, I responded and told her that I didn’t like how she’d screamed at me, that I hate how unreasonable she gets when she’s tired. 

She just shut me down without any rationalization. She then unleashed this tirade, telling me that I’ve been using her all of her life, that I take advantage of her, and that everyone in my family hates me for it.

She even accused me of stealing from her while I was at her beach house and said that I owe her $550. My sister and her husband have a lot of money – and I appreciate how generous my sister has been over the years. In return I’ve always tried to be a good brother and, while I don’t have a huge amount of money, I’ve always tried to show how much I care for her in other ways.

But after this latest incident, I just don’t think I can ever trust her again. I’m pretty convinced she’s a narcissist and I have no idea where we go from here. I find myself thinking about it at night and it keeps me awake. I don’t think we can ever go back to having a relationship. 

I feel like I really need to stay away from her, but the guilt that I feel is driving me insane.

From,

Staying Away

Dear Staying Away,

Oh, the pain that families inflict! I am so deeply sorry that your sister has always treated you like this, and, as you seem to know, this isn’t going to change. 

I applaud you so deeply for leaving the beach house when she started screaming at you, and for not responding to her messages. Then, brilliant you, setting a boundary by telling her how you felt when she screamed at you. 

All this tells me that however damaged your sister may be, you are already exhibiting healthy behavior and setting healthy boundaries in order to protect yourself.

Dear Jane’s Sunday Service

I’m not sure when we became quite so judgmental as a society, but casting judgment aside and taking time to listen to each other, particularly when others have opposing views, is the only way to reach any kind of peaceful relationship. 

Our job isn’t to change people’s minds, or insist they believe as we believe, but to recognize our differences and even if we can’t understand, we can accept.

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It sounds as if she may have, as you suggested, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or, the other side of the same destructive coin, Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Certainly her volatility and unpredictable rages, the chaos she seems to create, and the numerous messages and accusations of ‘gaslighting’ all seem to fit.

People with NPD or BPD commonly accuse others their own behaviors, whether that’s stealing, lying, or anything else. It’s as if they cannot accept that they themselves are capable of egregious behaviors, so they accuse those around them of those behaviors, and manage to convince themselves that this twisted memory is the truth.

I strongly recommend you read a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Paul T. Mason. 

Although technically for friends and family of alcoholics, I also highly recommend Al-anon, which, at its core, deals with co-dependency, and teaches us how to detach from those who damage us, and build our own self-esteem.

You can love your sister, but you cannot trust her. She is not going to change, and you need to learn how to deal with her in a way that doesn’t upset you or fill you with guilt. 

One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. You need to learn how to deal with her emotional dysregulation in a way that does not impact your own sense of well-being. 

In fact, I would say your job is to get better at setting boundaries, learn to detach yourself from her behavior until you reach a point where her outbursts and tantrums no longer affect you, when you can just stand up and leave, without the heart-pounding guilt and fear. I am sending you so much love, and strength.

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